Any writers out there? Critique me please:

Any writers out there? Critique me please:

Leon Davis

March 20 at 4:49pm · 

Any writers out there? Critique me please:

It’s a chilly April morning in The Windy City. Steel cables are banging on the aluminum flagpoles across the street in front of the Post Office. A little old lady, holds on to a cabbie’s arm. His hair piece soars skyward. His eyes look up as he yells at heaven in a foreign tongue. Is he cursing, praying, or trying to make magic? What luck this appears to be when his fake rug falls to earth. But the appearance of luck doesn't keep it from bouncing and rolling down Michigan Avenue like a tumbleweed and caught up in a thermal-draft. SEQUEL: Thank God I am not vain enough to waste time and treasure on fake hair like that cabbie. I can afford it. I’ve got a ton of money. All a man really needs is a butt load of money so he can buy what he needs. When you’re in business success is up to you. It’s your job to make the right friends and take care of them.
All a man needs is a beautiful woman and a big butt load of money, and wise and strong friends. Yes, and perfect timing is good to have.

Here comes. Annie waving, running to me, struggling to hold a scarf on her head. She runs great. Perfectly beautiful and bouncing at all the best locations. Location, location, location, that’s the best way to describe her, a real estate mans dream. She’s the one. She runs on the sidewalk in front of the flags across the street in front of the post office.
But peeling rubber, spinning tires, of a yellow van as it zooms from a side street without a warning, scares my heart and it flutters. If I yell. Will she hear? If I motion will she see? She is occupied with her scarf. I run against the light to be by her side.

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2Anthony Galvin and Paula Davis Clark

Comments

Lina Paciulli Fanti Rehal I think it's good. I'm getting a vision of this guy's hair caught up in the wind. I think you've set the scene well. Maybe, just maybe, too many "ing" words? It doesn't really bother me, but I've had that pointed out to me at times. I'm never sure wh...See More

Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 20 at 5:03pm

Leon Davis replied · 3 Replies

Talk Show Host Breaks Down Over FBI Murder

Talk Show Host Breaks Down Over FBI Murder

RERUN

I offend. Or irritate most people. They don't like the way I write. My wife is always telling me she worries about me. Or if I get a haircut she says I just raised my perceived IQ.

Twice a month I go to a group and I've been going there for almost six years. We write and critique each other. But if you come long enough we will tell you your writing is great. I know they are lying. 

It's s a judicious lie... according to my great uncle Sam, on my wife's side. She said it doesn't count ....

If you are a wanna be writer...tell me a story ......let tell you what a great fiction writer you already are.      www.fictionworkout. com

#1          Today, 11:09 AM

bluescityleon  Senior Member      Status: "educated not worthy" Edit (set 2 days ago) Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Illinois 2,359 posts, read 1,269,791 times Blog Entries: 3 Reputation: 315

I'm not a Grammarian I 'm am in search of a story. I'm writing a precis that does not care to much about rules if punctuation,, spelling, and other way back dropping dribble that trickles down from the HIGH and self proclaimed. My editor tells me when I 4-git to cross a T . He tells me when I leave out a jot or tittle. I concentrate on what people in my wiring group never learned. The unpublished teaching the unwashed, and un puncuated. I'm not preaching to the choir. I'm just playing jazz. ON THE STREET